


Dear Journal

by Ash_and_Napalm



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Boy x boy, Depression, Journal, LGBTQ Character, Love, M/M, Original Character(s), Sad, mlm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22824580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ash_and_Napalm/pseuds/Ash_and_Napalm
Summary: It was that one moment, on the edge of nothing that changed everything.





	1. Chapter 1

Journal,

Today was quiet. He was quiet. I don’t know why, but he’s looked so tired lately.  
That’s all.


	2. Chapter 2

Journal,   
He came over last night. I shushed him and pulled him to the front lawn, shutting my front door.  
We went to my backyard, using the gate. We sat on the porch swing and looked at the fireflies blinking.  
It was nice, us in the late summer warmth. Crickets chirping as the breeze blows through the trees. The fireflies acted as our lights and we kissed under the stars.  
It was magical. I never wanted it to end.


	3. Chapter 3

Journal,  
He looked tired again. I feel like I should ask what’s wrong, but every time I try to ask, he always changes the subject. He does have a test soon. He’s probably been up late studying.  
Yeah. That’s it. He’ll be awake and happy again soon.


	4. Chapter 4

Journal,  
I went over to his house yesterday. We sat and talked on his bed. I fell asleep.  
I woke up in the middle of the night. He was fast asleep beside me. I woke him up for a change of clothes.  
When I came back, he’d taken off his shirt and he was lying in the bed. He beckoned me over to him.  
We did what other teenage lovers do when it’s dark, the night is quiet and they are all alone.  
He is so graceful and dear to me.


	5. Chapter 5

Journal,  
Oh, god. I think I love him. I truly do. I never thought I’d say that. I know we are young and high school relationships never work out. But I truly believe we are perfect for each other. He says that too.  
My mom keeps saying I’ll end up heartbroken when it doesn’t work out. My dad is still disgusted with me, but that’s okay. My boyfriend always says I don’t need to listen to him. I love my boyfriend.


	6. Chapter 6

Journal,  
He was acting very strange today. The bags were still under his eyes, but today he just… left me at lunch. We were sitting together, eating and listening to his friends talk. One of them made a joke and he just stiffened up. He stood and walked off. I called after him but he didn’t stop. When I ran after him, I couldn’t find him. I checked everywhere for him.  
One person said she saw him go to the roof, but that’s impossible. He’s scared of heights.


	7. Chapter 7

Journal,  
I think I said something wrong today. I just told him that he seemed kind of sad lately. Really! That’s all. He got kind of defensive, we argued and I ended up crying in the hall. He came up to me after third period and apologized. I hugged him and he winced but hugged me back. I’m kind of worried about him.


	8. Chapter 8

Journal,   
Our anniversary is coming up soon. We tried making plans but his dad came home and he made me leave out the window. Someone started shouting but I didn’t look back. He always tells me to keep looking forwards.


	9. Chapter 9

Journal,  
Something’s seriously wrong. He left school halfway through lunch without so much as a goodbye. I only knew he’d left when one of his friends told me. I felt kind of hurt. But it’s okay. He’s probably just stressed about his test coming up.


	10. Chapter 10

Journal,  
He was at school today, but only for a little while. He said he had to go and he said he’d call me. I said goodbye and let him kiss me. His lips taste so sweet.


	11. Chapter 11

Journal,

He came over last night. He seemed tired still, but he didn’t look sad. When I asked him why he was here, he just asked me to follow him.  
When we got to his car, he opened the trunk. All of his favourite books were stacked in there.  
He said, ‘I won’t need them anymore. You should have them’. I don’t know what he meant by that.  
When I rejected them, he grabbed my hands. ‘Look, darling, I want you to have them.’ So I took them.  
I love his books


	12. Chapter 12

Journal,  
He is gone. He was not at school today. Or yesterday. He said he’d call me, but he never did.  
So I went over to his house. He wasn’t home and so I left.  
I went home. When I got the mail, I saw something from him. I’ve written it here and oh god my hands are shaking.

‘My dear Lee Sun-oh,

There are no words to describe who you are. You are all I need and more. It took so long for you to fall in love with me. I thought you didn’t.  
Do you remember that winter day? Winter was always my least favourite season. I went out to the bridge and I saw you. Your arms were spread like the wings of an angel as you collected snowflakes on your tongue.  
When I asked you what you were doing, you blushed and ran off.  
When I first said I loved you, you blushed. You’re always blushing. We kissed under the winter stars on the bridge.  
I miss you all the time, even when you’re with me. It’s always hard to see someone else's lust for you.  
I have to go now, angel. I have to go. But I don’t want to leave you without a chance.  
I will wait for you. I will wait where we first found each other, and where we first became each other’s.

I’m sorry, my darling. Your loving boyfriend,

Minjae’ 

Journal, I ran as fast as I could to get to the bridge in time.  
I cried as I ran; I almost got hit by a car on my way there. The driver honked and cursed at me, but I didn’t care.  
When I got to our bridge, I didn’t see him. At first I thought I was too late and I almost broke down.  
But then I saw him in the light of the street lamp. He was on the stone railing, arms outstretched like the wings of an angel; like I once stood.  
I cried out for him, and he just smiled sadly. I saw it in the light. I ran over to him, my heels pounding against the stones.  
He said my name, those two syllables, and I almost died.  
‘Sun-Oh.’ He sighed. And that’s all he did. He just sighed.  
I told him I loved him as I stared up at him on that stone bridge. He said he loved me too.  
I climbed up next to him and grabbed his hand that had dropped to his side. He turned his head and smiled a soft smile at me as he squeezed my hand.  
I tried to talk to him. He just sighed and turned his head up towards the stars. But then I managed to say something that made him flinch, his hand tightened.  
‘I miss you too.’  
I saw his tears go down his cheeks. It was odd to see him cry.


	13. Chapter 13

Journal,

Wow. It’s been so long. I’d forgotten about this journal. Looking back on all of this is so strange to me.

I’ve changed so much since high school it seems. But some things will never change. Some things will never grow older.

I guess I should write down what’s happened. Well, I found this in a box shoved in the back of my closet. My mom gave it to me when I moved with a lovely note saying, ‘Found this in your closet from high school. Might be some important stuff. Get it out of my house’ and a bunch of X’s and O’s. I opened it and there was so much dust.

It took me a while to get through that box. But it was pretty much worth it to see all those memories from back then. God, I was so young.

As I’m writing this, I can feel tears in my eyes. I miss those years so much, but I would never go back. Some things have to stay in the past. My hands shook as I pulled this old notebook out, the familiar cover bringing back so many memories. Mostly good, but some hurt me in ways I’d never imagined. 

I need a moment.

I feel like the events leading up to today were years and years ago. It has been years; eleven to be exact. I turned twenty seven last month. Birthdays become an emotional journey after twenty. Twenty seven is just psychotic.

I don’t know what to say here. I don’t know if this notebook will end up being thrown away or forgotten or lost in a move. It might become something to my family. I’ll say, ‘Look. This is what I have accomplished!’ But it might just become something for me. 

Now comes the time to write about what’s happened since that last entry. A lot. I graduated high school. I got a paid scholarship from Harvard to study law. I’m a lawyer. Fighting the good fight and all that. But that’s not what I need to say. I know I will never write in this notebook again, and so anything I say here will not affect me. I won’t ever have to look at it again if I do choose.

So I’m going to talk about that night. That night eleven years ago that decided who I would become. I should preface this by saying this is going to be painful. Bear with me.

It all began in the first year of high school. I saw him, he saw me. Boy meets girl except gay. We became The Couple. Everyone wanted a relationship like ours. Many people thought it was a relationship of convenience. Popularity play and all. But it wasn’t. It never was and it never was going to be. 

We were quite awkward, as most young gays are. It took awhile for him to muster up the courage to ask me out. When he finally did, we went to the movies. Romantic, right?

As our high school careers progressed, we realized just how much we really needed each other. It took three years for him to say he loved me. I called him an idiot and said I loved him too. It was beautiful.

The second last year of high school got rough. I came out to my parents and my mom was happy. My dad, not so much. It wasn’t until almost two years later that he accepted me.

His parents were another story. Well, his dad. His mom skipped out on him and his old man a long time ago. His father became bitter and abusive. The coming out was less sunshine and rainbows and more thunderstorms and depression.

But he stuck with it. Even though his dad was literally Satan, he stayed with him. Because deep inside, he knew his father was a good man.

All of the verbal and physical abuse took a toll on him. Soon, I found that my loving, happy boyfriend was miserable. And it was eating him up inside.

I was young and naive. I didn’t want to see the warning signs that were posted everywhere. I couldn’t face the truth. I knew he was hurting but I shut that idea down. I’m the one who needs fixing; I don’t fix people. I don’t know how.

Eventually though, I had to face facts. My boyfriend was depressed and I had to accept that. Now came figuring out how to fix it.

But it took too long. I spent too long ignoring the major red flags that were popping up right in my face. My hesitation caused his pain to grow.

When he hadn’t shown up at school for two days, that’s when the panic set in. I looked for him, but I couldn’t find him. And then I got his letter.

I swear to you; seeing that letter made my heart stop. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My boyfriend was on the verge of death and he was blaming himself for being sad. It was all my fault. There was only one thing running through my head as I raced to him. Only one thought that looped through my brain over and over until I was breathing it, hearing it, tasting it.

‘Let me be on time for once in my life.’

I thought he’d jumped when I got there. I almost broke down. I almost fell to my knees screaming. But then I spotted him, balancing on the edge.

Not just the edge of that railing; the edge of life. The edge between light and dark, warmth and cold, alive and dead. He was on the edge and he wasn’t coming back.

When he said my name, I cracked. I felt my soul shatter and break at the emptiness those two syllables spoke. At that moment, it was like he was dead. It sends shivers down my spine even remembering it.

I climbed up on that ledge with him without thinking. The only thing running through me, through every fibre of my being, was to get to him.

Everything said on that bridge made me love him even more. I knew, in those moments of sheer terror, that if I lost him, I’d lose myself.

When he began to cry, it felt as if I would never be happy again. I noticed, almost too late, that he was moving closer to the edge. Literally and figuratively.

The stars were so bright in the inky blackness of the water below. It was like that art of light and dark, the contrast. We stood there for so long.

I looked away. I looked away so he wouldn’t see me cry. Because I had to be strong at that moment, on that bridge. 

He was on the edge, looking into the water. When I looked away, he got closer to the edge. I held onto his arm so tightly that if he had fallen, I would be taken with him.

I heard him whisper something to me as he leaned out over the abyss. I held his hand tightly as he looked into the void.

‘What?’ I whispered. This was a moment to whisper. He whispered it again. It terrified me.

‘I love you.’ He whispered. Then he let go of my hand. I became the only thing tethering him to God’s green earth. I became the only thing holding him onto life.

Journal, I almost let go.

God, those words. Just seeing them brings memories and tears back. 

It seemed like heaven and hell as he hung, suspended over the darkness. Like an angel falling from heaven, or a devil flying from hell. He was everything rolled into one.

‘Please stay.’ I whispered as I held him, my muscles straining. I had never been the strong one in this relationship but I managed to pull strength from deep in my soul to keep him.

He didn’t say a word. After too much silence, his fingers tightened and he pulled himself back up. I had never liked trust falls. I liked them even less now.

‘I can’t.’ He whispered, looking at me. We were now facing each other, his back to the abyss.

‘Stay.’ I whispered again.

So we stood there, hovering over the stars reflected in the water and the water reflected in the stars, crying and falling in love.

We didn’t step off that bridge. We didn’t step forwards into the abyss, we didn’t step backwards into the world.

And even though it’s been years, I still know exactly what I thought in that moment. 

No matter what, that bridge is where I realized we were perfect. No matter what, that bridge became a turning point in our lives. In my life.

I visited that bridge every year. I visited and I cried. One time, someone asked if I needed help. I just cried, unable to tell that stranger what was wrong. Eventually, I left, feeling better. 

Ten years ago, I fell to the ground and cried at that bridge. Nine years ago, I fell to the ground and cried at that bridge. Eight years ago, I leaned on the railing and cried at that bridge. Seven years ago, I stared out at the water, tears pouring from my eyes. Six years ago, I went back to that bridge. Five years, four years, three, two. I went back to that bridge last year and looked out at the water in the daytime.

It was hard for me to go back to that bridge each year. It almost seemed impossible. But I pulled myself out of bed and I went to the site of so much sadness.

I will forever go back to that bridge on that day. That’s the day I… God…

That’s the day I saved my lover. 

I have to go, journal. I’m late. I’m going to put this book in a safe place. Minjae is here and we’re looking for a wedding venue. I probably won’t show him what is in this book. But thank you. This book kept me going when I thought he was gone. Thank you. Thank you so much.


End file.
